Friday, October 1, 2010
Recently, my coach has been comparing ppl like someone who is always said to be the most hardworking person and stuff.. which kind of irritates me coz i don know, okokok.. I know.. he tries his best to do what the coach wants.. and does it in a few tries(I seriously don know how much energy he has)
Ok.. back to the subject of comparing. He asks us why when it comes to the most hardworking or serious person we will say him and not anyone else or ourselves?? Tt question dawned on me very quickly but settle.. I din even know why it was rooted in me till training started i guess.. I started questioning myself, 6 more weeks and i have to be in a better form than last yr.. I HAVE to make sure no more mistakes.. I also must prove to him tt i'm just as serious just as hard working..
All I wanted was him to see me. just like the way he sees that boy. like he wants that boy to succeed.. I want him to notice me..tt i'm also trying my hardest and that i am good.. But i know it sounds stupid, I kind of like knew he wasnt there and managed to do all my jumps pretty well tt is until i realised he was back.. I started thinking more maybe, telling myself i die die MUST land well.. just do what i did before tt.. think of the technical part.. and when i did it, CRAP! i din succeed! in my head i was like"what?!?!? how come like tt?? just now also think, also do the same. how come outcome different??"
NVM!! I thought maybe i never focus.. this time i self talk myself to focus think of the technical part and do again.. ARGH!! my leg just gave way!! WAH LAO!!! tt was the start.. come the 2 points after the break. I wasnt really in the mood but i knew i had to do it.. so i told myself.. MUST get the 2 full points show him.. i din need his praise or anything, just a look at his face tt yea gd.. tt kind of thing will just satisfy me for i think the whole lesson..
Well, yes, i was the 1st to go up.. i knew my 180 turn was the phobia.. so i tell myself to get the feeling right, focus and do it.. 1st time cannot.. i relax think over and do again 2 times and both was a success.. being more of less calmed down. i decided to start on my 1st set of 2 points..
1st stunt already had a 180 turn, Missed.. "wah sian.. nvm the next one i will get it. just calm down and get the right feeling." retried the 1st stunt 2nd try, Missed! "ok wait. Maybe i should try practice again." practice one time not too bad. 3rd attempt FAILED!!! "okie, forget it. next stunt."
2nd stunt was okie.. but i never do the qdl landing coz of the phobia of smashing my knee.. 3rd stunt was the flying kick which felt quite good during warm up jumps.. in my mind i was like "okie la.. this one sure can.. show u.." then started to tell myself to focus think of the movements the sequence.. the next thing tt happened was i obviously!!! FAILED again!! i was like "erm, i dont get it. how come will make mistake?? i think of the same technic, i told myself to focus as always. WHY??" nvm, next stunt was as usual 99.9% success rate.
The last stunt which also had the 180 turn. This time i told myself "last time, find the right feeling, don have to rush just have to succeed to show him." well, I SUCKED big time.. coz i failed AGAIN!! "okie nvm, the 1st time only, i shall just focus more and think more and practice more before my next and last chance."
The next set of 2 points, my 1st stunt with 180 FAILED AGAIN, my 2nd stunt normal but not gd enough for me. 3rd stunt think of the same thing and FAILED AGAIN. "nonono.. This is not happening. i know i can do it." so i retried again and STILL FAILED -_- not funny... 4th stunt normal. last stunt, i paused, took a glance at him for i don know what reason and think if the feeling tt my hand and leg blah blah blah.. when i did the turn it felt good but when i tried to stop the feeling went off.. FAILED!!!! ARGH!! this time i just couldnt take it.. tears just started flowing and i panicked.
I was like "oh no! don let anyone see. cover cover! faster go out and stop!" the moment i when out i just exploded! I was shocked and surprise.. hey! how come i cry?? oh no!! why am i whining?? I never cry like tt for years. "stop!stop!stop! NONONO!! Cannot cry!! Argh stupid! I tell u to stop!!" "oh no why cannot?? faster walk far far away from training hall to the outside stairs so no one can hear." at tt point i was confused.. how can i not be able to control?? why am i crying like tt? then i thought someone will come and hug me and console me which din happen. but nvm.. i still couldnt stop till i thought if this christian song. (the war may rise against me, of this will i be sure. that I will bless the Lord forever, I'll bless Your holy name.) and i suddenly stopped. like immediately!
So after which i went to the toilet coz i scared my eyes red or can see tt i cried. indeed it was red. washed my face and sat on the bench in the toilet to calm myself down. when jn came in and asked am i okie.. being afraid ppl will know, i said i was cooling down and walked out before she could get a good look of me.. i stopped right outside and sat at the staircase till jn walked out of the toilet. being paiseh and din want ppl to know i faster went into the training hall.. but thinking, sian how to face coach, havent even do my full routine and i hope no one knew what happened.
After crying i felt to drained and stone. so i din talk to anyone unless necessary. and i din even bother to look at coach at all after tt.. That night, I was so lost, so confused to why i couldnt stop myself from crying and why i even cried and so badly.. I has never never never ever happened to me in my whole life!! NEVER! tt night i couldnt slp at all.. i woke up every 15 to 45mins still with the same thought.. why couldnt i control myself and why did i even cry??
Thanks to all the blogs i referred to(countless) for html code help :) (esp. cyn' and sixseven)
Adobe Photoshop Elements for supernatural abilities